Too Tired to Rest

Hi, it’s me, Jonah, the baritone saxophonist. Remember?

Do you ever get so worn out that you can’t fall asleep? That feeling that you need one last bit of energy, that you just don’t have, one last push, just to allow yourself to let go?

The third single from my album with Lau Nau is out today. It’s called Bus Driver. Crack it open, take a listen, and I’ll keep writing:

Weekends have always been hard for me. There are so many voices these days saying that we need to rest. They say to let go. They promise that my mind and body need to be cared for in order to operate at their best. It makes sense rationally, but how exactly do they go about this….resting?

The idea of letting go is pretty daunting. At least for me. There’s so much uncertainty. A sense of vague irresolution has infiltrated nearly every element of our reality. It makes me feel like there’s a lot of work to be done. More than is possible, but much too much to ever step back. The act of letting go would require considerably more energy than the sustained force of plowing forward.

Speaking of plowing forward, my other duo project, with Turkish drummer and sound designer Berke Can Özcan, will be on tour all over Europe next month. Show details here. Will you tell your friends? Will you come say hello? I hope so :)

I used to feel guilty about being tired. I still feel guilty about being tired. After all, just today, there are people in Gaza returning to the rubble of their neighborhoods after years of running and others in Chicago wondering if their homes will be attacked by helicopters filled with ICE agents coming to zip-tie their children. How could I be the one who is tired? The answer is that tiredness is an abundant and renewable resource. There’s plenty for everyone. We can all be tired and right now, I think we all are.

But back to rest. The elusive restorative force. I don’t think it's my first choice.

As I endeavor to know and maybe even accept myself, I have begun to understand that for me there is something else: restorative activity. When I am most exhausted, I’ve learned to choose from a list of engagements with myself and the world that are restorative for me in the same way that I imagine rest can be restorative for others. We’re all different, but maybe some of you have a list of restorative activities too. Here’s a selection of mine:

TEACH Nothing energizes me faster than showing someone something new and exploring the ways to understand and absorb it. I feel very lucky to be a teacher. It is inspiring, interesting, and challenging. I give it an 8 on the restorative scale.

WRITE I’ve been sending out a monthly email for about 3 years now. It started as a propaganda exercise, and I still spend a good amount of time promoting myself (as you can see above), but it’s also become a thought-organizing, self-processing, story-telling exercise that gives me more than it takes. I’m grateful to you for reading and engaging. You keep me on the path. I give this activity four energy stars.

PLAY Here I draw a distinction in a musical life. As a saxophonist I perform, I compose, I practice, and I play. Playing is the moment when objectivity disappears and music becomes about radical self acceptance, free from doubt, filled with curiosity, exceedingly fragile, but overwhelmingly powerful. It doesn’t happen every time I pick up my horn, but when it does, I am replenished in ways that make everything else worth it. An A+ restorative activity.

Ok, you get the idea. That’s a few. As you might imagine, I do lots of other things too. Some of them because I want to, some because I have to, some because it is what it means to be part of a community. These three are special because they are net positive on the energy scale. I feel lucky they are so connected to my work. On the other hand, that’s probably why I don’t make very much money. Anyway, I don’t think restorative activities need to be connected to work, or anything else specific. Do you have any?

Can you check out the new single? Oh, and also the tour dates.

Talk soon,
Jonah